4 Out Of 5 Experts Say...

I have spent a lot of time reading articles about parenting over the past six years. They've been hugely informative. So I decided to compile some of the wisdom contained in those articles. If I could just manage to follow all of these rules, I would totally have the hang of this parenting gig:

Always put your children first--they should be your number one priority every moment of every day. But you should never love your children more than your spouse--and you should certainly never let your children KNOW that they're your number one priority. In fact, the problem with American parenting is that we're raising a bunch of entitled, self-centered brats because we always put them first. Most American parents don't spend enough time with their children. Almost all parents spend way too much time with their children and should instead employ benign neglect. Benign neglect is neglectful and should never be used. Me-time is hugely important and every parent should carve out time to do something for themselves. Parents who spend time pursuing their own interests shouldn't have had kids in the first place.

Every child is unique. Your child is just the same as everyone else's child, so quit treating him like a special snowflakes. It is of utmost importance to let your child know all the ways in which he is special. You must never praise your child as it removes intrinsic motivation. You must praise your child for every single thing he does, even when he does it wrong, because at least he tried. If you praise your child too much, they become entitled brats who turn into drug addicts. If you praise your child too little, they have low self-esteem, which leads them to be drug addicts.

Children should have a stay-at-home parent. Stay-at-home parents are lazy and probably lack intelligence. Working mothers don't spend enough time with their children and are probably ruining their lives. Having a stay-at-home mother decreases a daughter's future earning potential and leads to less egalitarian ideas about gender role in her sons, so stay-at-home mothers are probably ruining their children's lives, as well.

If you don't want your children to end up in prison, you should discipline them harshly at every misstep. If you discipline your children harshly, they are more likely to end up in prison. You should talk to your children about how they feel. If you talk to your children about how they feel, you will raise entitled brats who thinks that everything hinges on their feelings. If you don't talk to your children about how they feel, they will never develop empathy.

You should send your children to public school because it is the only place where they will get a reliably good education. Public schools are also the only good choice for someone who supports an egalitarian society. Public schools are factories intended to turn out barely-literate worker bees who are trained only to follow orders--so definitely choose private schools. Private schools are elitist, separatist, and several other -ists. Also expensive. And they frequently provide a worse education than public schools. All group education is unnatural and everyone should homeschool their children. Homeschooling is evil and nothing more than a cover for abusive parenting. It should therefore be illegal. Parents should get to choose whatever they want for their children's education. Parents should have no choice in their children's education. Parents should send their children to military academy starting in preschool. Parents should never teach their children to read because reading was invented by the government in order to control our thoughts.

You should set your child up for success and never frustrate him. You should frustrate your children often to give them a chance to learn how to deal with frustration. You should set your child up for failure so that when he fails, you can correct the behavior. You should never correct a child's behavior as it will harm his developing psyche. If you don't correct your child, he will be an entitled brat, which will damage his psyche.

You should keep your child in a carseat until they reach the age of 18 because it's safest. You should take your child out of their carseat at the age of 4 because otherwise, their friends will make fun of them. Your child should never wear a coat in a carseat because coats can compress and cause them to be ejected from the car in case of an accident. Your child should always wear a coat in the car because the heater will fail in case of accident and then, they might die of hypothermia. You should just never put your child in a car because auto accidents are the leading cause of death in children. You should never put your child on public transportation because a stranger with ebola might cough on them and give them ebola, which could quickly become the leading cause of death in children.

The world is more dangerous than when we were children, so parents must always know where their children are. The world is safer than it has ever been before, so parents should loosen up and let their children roam freely. Parents who let their children roam freely are neglectful and should have their children removed from their care. Children have too much free time, which they use to play video games and watch tv. Children are over-scheduled, so they never have time to play in the woods. The woods are filled with snakes, bears, poison ivy, and kidnappers, so children should never play in the woods. Instead, they should watch a documentary about the woods. Children should never be exposed to television because it gives them adhd, autism, and probably other things that we don't know about yet.

Yeah, I should be receiving my "Expert Parent" certificate any day now.

Sensationally Six!

Luke turned six two weeks ago and he's quite proud of the fact! Especially exciting to him are the newfound responsibilities that come with being six. Last year, when he turned five, he took on the chore of folding all his own laundry and being paid to do so; this year, after considering a list of chores, he rejected all of my (relatively simple) suggestions and chose the cumbersome chore of mopping the floors. He's very pleased with himself and as an added bonus, the floors are somewhat cleaner--I'll take it!

A couple of weeks before his birthday, we walked into a pet store to pick up some cat food and Luke spent some time scrutinizing the animals there. After being informed that no, he could not have a rabbit, a ferret, or a snake, he decided that perhaps he should have a hermit crab instead. After talking it over, McMoose and I decided that he could probably handle feeding and watering a couple of crabs, so on his birthday, we went and he very excitedly picked out "his very own pets." As it turns out, hermit crabs are the most boring pets imaginable. One has burrowed into the sand and only comes out in the middle of the night and the other one sits in one spot and sometimes watches us walking around. Luke has named them Six Legs and Crawly--ironically, Crawly is the one who remains buried all day and since crabs have ten legs, Six Legs does not, in fact, have six legs.

His obsession at the moment is violin. He started taking lessons about a month ago--we all did, actually, since it was Weston who initially wanted the lessons and then Luke decided that he wanted to join in and our teacher requires the parents to learn with the children, at least during the first few months. At first, I thought he only wanted to take lessons because Weston was doing it, but he has completely immersed himself in all things violin. Soon after his birthday, he graduated from a cardboard violin to a real violin and he tells me at least once a day that the best thing that has happened to him as a six-year-old is that he now has a real instrument. Every evening, he makes sure to remind us that we have to practice before bed and a few times, I've caught him staring up at the violin box in his closet during the day. He has participated in a couple of recitals organized by the music school that our teacher is involved with and he absolutely loved it. He is already planning out what he might do for the next recital.

He played T-ball for the first time this spring and he had moments of loving it and moments of being thoroughly annoyed by it. In the end, he got to run around with other kids, throw a ball around, and wants to do it again next year, so I'll chalk that up as a success. We also all participated in a homeschool co-op and he had moments of loving and hating that, as well. He did make some friends and it kept him in touch with how to sit still and pay attention in a classroom, so I'll call that a success, too.

He is turning into a truly generous child. Last week, when his grandparents were visiting, the rest of the family went to a museum. I wasn't able to join them because I had to be somewhere else, but when they got home, both kids were excited about the fact that their grandparents had given each of them $10 to spend at the museum gift shop. After showing me his new toy frog and dinosaur, Luke proceeded to give me a little bottle of crystals that he had bought for me because I didn't get to go with them. He makes little gifts for his friends--leaves with notes written on them, robots made out of paper clips, pictures cut out of magazines.

I can see the clownish part of his personality reappearing and he spends a lot of time making jokes, making funny faces, and attempting to entertain those around him. Of course, as far as he's concerned, the funniest thing in the world is to annoy his brother, so there's a fair bit of that going on, too. He is adorably sweet with Another Baby and constantly asks to hold him, help feed him, and play with him. He knows a truly mind-blowing amount of information and finds it unfathomable that not everyone can easily remember things such as the adult size of a bulldog ant (1.6 inches, if you're curious.) His best friend got him an animal trivia game for his birthday and he asks to play it every day. He was also endlessly quizzing me about obscure animal facts until I made the rule that on any given day, I would be willing to answer no more than 5 animal trivia questions. Since I made the rule, we've used that quota up by 10 am every single day. The other day, I found him attempting to educate Yellow Cat about cat facts.

Six is going to be a good age. I can tell already.

There's a Hole in the Ceiling (Dear Liza, Dear Liza)

A week ago, I looked up at the ceiling in the living room and thought, Hmm, there seem to be two light circles up here. How strange. But as with most thoughts that occur to me during the day, this particular thought wandered right on out of my mind almost as quickly as it came and I didn't think about those circles again all weekend. Plus, most of the time, when strange things happen, I tend to ignore them and hope that they go away on their own. (This has proved, in the past, to be Not A Good Plan. Case in point: the time my old, old car started making an odd noise and instead of pulling over, I turned the radio up and kept driving? 30 seconds later, the engine caught on fire. You would think that I would have learned my lesson, but alas, you would be wrong. I still turn up the radio when I think I hear weird noises in the car.)

And then, on Monday, I happened to look up again and thought, Oh. Oh, no. The circles are darker. This can't be good. So I snapped a picture and sent it to McMoose. Luckily, McMoose is not a turn-the-radio-up-and-ignore-it kind of guy, so he got on with the job of figuring out what to do about the spots on the ceiling. Good thing too, because they grew...and grew...and then, water spots appeared on the walls...and just when I began to fear that the ceiling might actually collapse, McMoose decided to put screws in the ceiling to allow the water to drain out.

Surprisingly, it worked. (This might not be surprising to people who know anything about pipes or leaks or ceilings or, really, gravity, but it surprised the heck out of me. Because screws in ceilings really shouldn't be the answer to any of life's problems, and yet.) Now, although McMoose doesn't turn up the radio and ignore things, he does seem to feel that bigger is better. So later that night, while I was putting Luke to bed, McMoose and Weston got to work cutting a hole in the ceiling. A hole. In my ceiling. A stocking-shaped hole. In. My. Ceiling.

I came downstairs to find McMoose perched on top of a ladder, grinning widely, with a cavernous hole above his head and at that moment, I decided that I am not cut out for home ownership. (McMoose, on the other hand, is quite proud of himself and his ceiling hole. Of course he is.)

Better Late Than Eaten By A Woodchuck

Once upon a time, I used to get places five minutes early so as to avoid being late. During those long ago days, on the rare occasion that I was late getting somewhere, I felt terribly embarrassed and blamed the traffic or my faulty alarm or, sometimes, the fact that I'd locked myself out of my car. (Sidenote: It's been a really long time since I've locked myself out of the car. Progress!)

Nowadays, I am never on time. Never. Ever. But at least my excuses have become more entertaining:

-I told the children to put on their shoes and then, I went to find my phone and keys. When I got back, they were in the backyard, chasing each other with butterfly nets and eating more of my seedlings. Barefoot, of course.

-I told the five-year-old to get the keys and unlock the car door. I now remember that I should never, ever give the children permission to touch the keys when I am not there to monitor said touching because they will put them down somewhere and forget where they put them. (They were eventually found in the pantry beside the gummy vitamins.)

-I gave one of them a glass of water, which he promptly spilled. And then, in an attempt to be helpful, he lay down in the puddle to "wipe it up" with his shirt. Which he then had to change.

-The cat ran out the door as we were leaving. Once he got outside, he remembered that he hates being outside, but he was too proud to go back inside, so he stood there hissing and spitting until I went and got him.

-I told the children that if they didn't want to wear shoes right that moment, they could carry their shoes to the car. And because I neglected to say that they should then carry those shoes into the car, they left them lined up on the driveway and informed me of that fact after we had turned left at the light that takes forever to turn green.

-I thought it would be a good idea to make a quick stop at the store for some berries on our way out. It is never a good idea to make a quick stop at the store. There is no such thing as a quick stop at the store.

-When I opened the car door, there was a slight musty odor and Weston decided that a woodchuck must be living in the car. Finding the idea humorous at first, I played along with it, which resulted in terrifying him--since when is he scared of woodchucks??--and he refused to be in the car until I checked it thoroughly for any furry occupants. (There was no woodchuck. There was, however, a container of hummus from the day before. Blech.)

Weekday Entertainment

Doing school at home takes far fewer hours than I anticipated, so we've been left to find alternate entertainment more than I thought we would. Here are some of the ways we've been filling the time.

Of Late

W: I wish I could see a real dinosaur!
L: You can. You have.
W: No, I haven't.
L: Yes, you have.
W: Nuh-uh!
L: Uh-huh!
W: Nuh-uh! Mama! Luke said that I have seen a real dinosaur, but I haven't seen a real dinosaur!
L: Yes, he has! Birds are dinosaurs.
Me: Ummm.....
L: They are! They really are! They evolved from dinosaurs, so they ARE dinosaurs.
Me: Ok. You evolved from a monkey. Are you a monkey?
L: No. I evolved from an ape-like creature. And yes, I am an ape-like creature because all primates are ape-like creatures and I'm a primate.

Logic to support illogic. It's his forte, really.



 W: Good night, Mama. Tomorrow morning, I am going to eat Black Cat.
Me: Why, exactly?
W: Because she always bites me.
Me: I'm actually not sure Black Cat has ever bitten you. Mostly, she runs away from you. Yellow Cat, on the other hand, bites you almost every day.
W: Yes. But I like Yellow Cat. He's my best cat. I will eat Black Cat.
Me: How about we don't need to eat any of our pets?
W: I do need to eat one of our pets. The one that I will need to eat is Black Cat. Tomorrow.

Half the time, he refuses to eat meat because he says, "Animals are good guys and I like them," but he's perfectly willing to consider the possibility of eating our cat. Wonderful.



L: I need a plunger.
Me: Because...
L: It's a secret.
Me: So then, no.
L, sighing: Fine. I'm going to suction the shower door.
Me: You're...what?
L: To see how a remora holds onto a shark. My book said to use a plunger.
Me: I'm going to need to see this book because I have no idea what you just said to me.

The book did, in fact, recommend using a plunger to demonstrate how a remora uses suction to hold onto a shark. And look, now the word "remora" is in my vocabulary. How rich my life has become. (That was sarcasm. In case you wondered.)



W: Can I go outside and yell?
Me: Better than yelling inside, I guess.
W: Can I go outside and use my tractor end lego thing that squeaks?
Me: I don't know what you're talking about, but if it's too loud for inside, then yes, you may use it outside.
W: Can I go outside and throw my baseball?
Me: Yes.
W: Can I go outside and plant in my garden?
Me: Your garden isn't quite ready yet, but you may dig in the sandbox.
W: Can I go outside and make a beehive?
Me: Um...sure?
W: Can I go outside?
Me: Weston. I have said yes like thirty times. Go. Outside.
W: I don't want to go outside. I want you to read me a book.

I'm pretty sure this kid is trying to test my grip on sanity.

Finding Time

Oh, this poor neglected blog...

A constant refrain in my life recently has been, "I don't have time..."

I don't have time to catch up on emails. I don't have time to blog. I don't have time to return texts promptly. I don't have time to put together a newsletter that I promised would be out by the end of the week--and that still needs to go through a couple of bureaucratic channels before it can even be assembled. I don't have time to make phone calls, or to rearrange things on my phone so that I can free up space to add a rather necessary app, or any one of a dozen other things that have slipped so far down my to-do list that they've slipped out of my mind entirely.

As it happens, it annoys me endlessly when people claim not to have time for things. My response to complaints of, "I don't have time..." has always been to point out that we make time for the things that are important to us. And so, now that I am the one bemoaning a lack of time, I remind myself that I do find time for the things that I consider priorities.

I find time to take the children to the park, the museum, friends' houses. I find time to make it to our homeschooling co-op. I find time to talk to McMoose. I find time to spend with friends. I find time to make a weaving loom for the kids (out of cardboard, lest you begin to fancy me a carpenter) because our lives need more art. I find time to go to the library multiple times a week because oh, my goodness, these children go through books like reading is going out of style! I find time to spend 90 minutes doing math work with a child who begs for "one more problem, please, just one last one!" I find time.

As for the rest, I'll find time for that, too. Soon.