Life Lesson No. 1: Hands To Yourself!

Dear Woman At The Playground:

I think it's great that you bring your grandkids to the playground every morning. I can tell that they enjoy being with you and that you enjoy spending time with them, too. I appreciate that you're involved in their play, pushing the swings and watching them come down the slide. Some of your actions might seem a little bit intrusive--does your 8-year-old grandson really need you to catch him at the bottom of the slide?--but then, they're your grandkids, not mine, and you know them and their needs far better than I do.

I do ask, however, that you accept that even though the children you're with might need or want that level of help, the children that I am with do not. Yes, I let two one-year-olds climb the stairs on the play structure by themselves. You will notice that the play structure? It's 3 feet off the ground. The very soft, very rubbery ground. And also? It has rails. Which they hold onto when they're unsure of their footing. You will also notice that not once during our one-hour stay did either of them fall off the stairs (or the play structure in general). So while I appreciate the level of caution you display with the children you brought, the next time you touch one of mine in an effort to "help," I might be forced to bite you.

P.S. Yes, I knew Other Baby was eating mulch. He does that. He'll spit it out once he's done with it.

P.P.S. Yes, I knew Luke was standing at the top of a 3-foot tall slide. He does that. And if you had just QUIT TRYING TO TOUCH HIM, he wouldn't have freaked out and danced around and almost fallen off the damn thing.

P.P.P.S. Stop. Calling. Me. "Dear."