10 Easy Steps To Planning Your Toddler's Birthday Party

1. Decide a month ahead of time that maybe a birthday party might be fun to have, even though you had previously decided that you had no interest in all the stress that comes with party planning. (Hear that ominous laughter?)

2. Spend the next two days calling party venues.

3. Discover that they're all ludicrously expensive, with the exception of one place. Luckily, it was the place you wanted all along: bonus!

4. Discover that the non-ludicrously expensive place is booked on your child's birthday. Schedule the party for a week later, reasoning that the weather is more likely to cooperate later in the month anyway. (There's that darn ominous laughter again.)

5. Send out Evites. Check email obsessively to see who RSVP's.

6. Gather party favors, plates, napkins, silverware, etc--all themed towards the chosen location (in this case, a farm.)

7. Check the weather forecast. Discover that the deluge is coming. Panic because farms? Yeah, they're OUTDOORS.

8. Decide that you'll just have it as planned and bring a raincoat and if people don't want to come, that's their loss. Realize the SHEER STUPIDITY of that plan because it will leave you soaking wet on a damn FARM with six pizzas, a barnyard cake, and no guests. And the animals probably won't even come out in the rain. And your sweet two-year-old's birthday party will be ruined AND THE WORLD WILL PROBABLY END.

9. Spend the morning calling every indoor party place within a 25 mile radius. Discover that they're STILL ludicrously expensive, but now you're desperate. Be laughed at by most of the people who answer their phone because NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND tries to book a party place with less than 48 hours notice. Be informed that the only available time is at 6 pm. Be laughed at again when you say you need it for 10 am. Apparently, 10 am is prime party time for the under-5 set. WHO KNEW?

10. Find a place with an opening at 10 am. Say, "Hallelujah," and give them your credit card number as they prattle on about extra this and add-on that. Send out the updated Evites and hope that people see the changes in time. Check email obsessively to check for new RSVP's. Decide that next year, you have NO INTEREST in all the stress that comes with party planning.