A man rang the doorbell during lunch. I'm a sucker for door-to-door salespeople--I don't ever buy anything from them, but I always let them do their little spiel and ask for a card or brochure (which they never, ever have) because I always think that maybe someday, I might want whatever crazy thing they're selling. So I go to the door...
Man 1: Hi! Two things. First of all, is that truck for sale?
Me: Uhhh...no.
Man 1: Aww, man. Ok. Second thing, can I do a presentation for you?
Me: About what?
Man 1: Meat! *As he says this, a van emblazoned with pictures of steaks pulls out from behind a tree and up to the front of our house, hollywood-style.*
Me: Um. How long will this take?
Man 1: I can't give an exact number, you understand, because it's interactive and I want you to understand exactly what's happening. But if I were pressed to give a ballpark figure, I'd say about...seven minutes.
Me: Ok, then. Sure.
Man 1: Are you from New Delhi?
Me: ...No...
Man 1: Bombay?
Me: ...No...
Man 1: So then, you eat meat?
Me: Yes...
Man 1: Ok, great! I'll be right back.
*He runs to the truck and he and another man come back, each carrying a box.*
Man 1: Can I come into your house?
Me: Um...
Man 1: I just don't want your neighbors to be wondering about what we're doing.
Me, worried that "meat" was a code word for some crazy new drug: Um...I...This...is more involved than what I had in mind.
Man 2: That's ok, that's ok, we can do this right here on the porch.
Me: Great. Let's do that.
Man 2: Ok, first of all, I want to ask you: who guarantees the meat in your fridge for a full year?
Me: Hm...I'm guessing you do?
Man 2: Yes! *Hands me a list of prices* I want you to disregard everything you read on there. This box of meat is $400. If you buy the beef box, I'll give you the chicken box for free. *Goes on to describe every piece of meat in the beef and chicken boxes*
Me: Uh-huh.
Man 2: But you have to do it right now. This meat is a limited time offer. If you don't buy it, I can guarantee that we'll sell it to someone in the neighborhood. I have to move this meat, you understand?
Me: O...kay...
Man 2: Ok, tell you what, why don't you pick your two favorite cuts of steak? I'll cut you a deal, a special deal. You can't tell any of the neighbors, ok? I don't want them all to expect the same deal, but you pick your two favorite cuts, and I'll give you a deal on them.
Me: I'm not prepared to buy anything today. I really just wanted some information. Do you have a brochure or something?
Man 2: No, we don't keep brochures. Let me ask you, I have traveled all over the world, and I'm really good at guessing people's background--can I guess yours?
Me: Um. I guess?
Man 2: Awesome, awesome. You're mixed, right?
Me: ...No.
Man 2: Really? I'm usually really good at spotting that.
Me: Hm.
Man 2: So then, are you from India or something?
Me: Yes.
Man 2: Oh, see? I'm great at guessing backgrounds!
Me: Hm.
Man 2: So you're the one who cooks, right?
Me: Not usually.
Man 2: Oh, really? So then, your husband cooks? Or your partner?
Me: Yes.
Man 2: Which one? Your husband or your partner?
Me: My. Husband.
Man 2: Wow, see, those are the guys to look for! The ones who can cook! You did good, girl!
Me: *Staring in complete amazement because WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!*
Man 2:Yeah, so don't you want to surprise him with some steak tonight?
Me: ...Really not.
Man 2: Ok, ok, fair enough. But can I ask you why? Is there a specific reason? 'Cuz I really have to move this meat and I can negotiate on price.
Me: It's not the price--
Man 2: What is it, then?
Me: I just, I'm just--I'm not prepared to commit to meat today. Thanks, bye.
After I went back in the house and locked BOTH locks on the door, I realized that last sentence? Really not something I ever expected to hear myself say.
Man 1: Hi! Two things. First of all, is that truck for sale?
Me: Uhhh...no.
Man 1: Aww, man. Ok. Second thing, can I do a presentation for you?
Me: About what?
Man 1: Meat! *As he says this, a van emblazoned with pictures of steaks pulls out from behind a tree and up to the front of our house, hollywood-style.*
Me: Um. How long will this take?
Man 1: I can't give an exact number, you understand, because it's interactive and I want you to understand exactly what's happening. But if I were pressed to give a ballpark figure, I'd say about...seven minutes.
Me: Ok, then. Sure.
Man 1: Are you from New Delhi?
Me: ...No...
Man 1: Bombay?
Me: ...No...
Man 1: So then, you eat meat?
Me: Yes...
Man 1: Ok, great! I'll be right back.
*He runs to the truck and he and another man come back, each carrying a box.*
Man 1: Can I come into your house?
Me: Um...
Man 1: I just don't want your neighbors to be wondering about what we're doing.
Me, worried that "meat" was a code word for some crazy new drug: Um...I...This...is more involved than what I had in mind.
Man 2: That's ok, that's ok, we can do this right here on the porch.
Me: Great. Let's do that.
Man 2: Ok, first of all, I want to ask you: who guarantees the meat in your fridge for a full year?
Me: Hm...I'm guessing you do?
Man 2: Yes! *Hands me a list of prices* I want you to disregard everything you read on there. This box of meat is $400. If you buy the beef box, I'll give you the chicken box for free. *Goes on to describe every piece of meat in the beef and chicken boxes*
Me: Uh-huh.
Man 2: But you have to do it right now. This meat is a limited time offer. If you don't buy it, I can guarantee that we'll sell it to someone in the neighborhood. I have to move this meat, you understand?
Me: O...kay...
Man 2: Ok, tell you what, why don't you pick your two favorite cuts of steak? I'll cut you a deal, a special deal. You can't tell any of the neighbors, ok? I don't want them all to expect the same deal, but you pick your two favorite cuts, and I'll give you a deal on them.
Me: I'm not prepared to buy anything today. I really just wanted some information. Do you have a brochure or something?
Man 2: No, we don't keep brochures. Let me ask you, I have traveled all over the world, and I'm really good at guessing people's background--can I guess yours?
Me: Um. I guess?
Man 2: Awesome, awesome. You're mixed, right?
Me: ...No.
Man 2: Really? I'm usually really good at spotting that.
Me: Hm.
Man 2: So then, are you from India or something?
Me: Yes.
Man 2: Oh, see? I'm great at guessing backgrounds!
Me: Hm.
Man 2: So you're the one who cooks, right?
Me: Not usually.
Man 2: Oh, really? So then, your husband cooks? Or your partner?
Me: Yes.
Man 2: Which one? Your husband or your partner?
Me: My. Husband.
Man 2: Wow, see, those are the guys to look for! The ones who can cook! You did good, girl!
Me: *Staring in complete amazement because WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!*
Man 2:Yeah, so don't you want to surprise him with some steak tonight?
Me: ...Really not.
Man 2: Ok, ok, fair enough. But can I ask you why? Is there a specific reason? 'Cuz I really have to move this meat and I can negotiate on price.
Me: It's not the price--
Man 2: What is it, then?
Me: I just, I'm just--I'm not prepared to commit to meat today. Thanks, bye.
After I went back in the house and locked BOTH locks on the door, I realized that last sentence? Really not something I ever expected to hear myself say.
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