M.D.: Mightily Dumb

I'm going to preface this by saying that this will be a LONG post. Make a cup of coffee, get a blanket, go to the bathroom, whatever.

So. Luke had his 2 month pediatrician visit today. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE AND DESPISE the medical establishment? Oh, I have? Multiple times? Awesome. Good news first: he's growing like a champ and now weighs in at 11 lbs, which is a gain of about 2 lbs since his last visit a month ago. Granted, he's no heavyweight...in fact, he might even be classified as a bit of a peanut since he comes in at the 24th percentile for weight and the 53rd for height (23.25 inches!), but he's a cute little peanut and carrying him around is a whole lot easier this way.

I should probably mention a few things about Luke. (1) He's exclusively breastfed, so he's never had any formula, ever. He does get a bottle of pumped milk every now and then, but it's not very often. (2) He wears cloth diapers. We LIKE the cloth diapers. He gets rashes in disposables. (3) He mostly sleeps in our bed, although we have started introducing the crib just this week. He sleeps 6-7 hours in a row, which is pretty good for his age and we're perfectly happy with this. (4) He's not circumsized. Since this is not the norm, I've read plenty about how to care for him because I knew that not all doctors are knowledgeable about it. (5) He will be vaccinated using an alternative schedule, which basically just means that about half his shots will be given 1 month later than the schedule recommended by the CDC.

So as soon as we get there, the nurse called us back, and I got to have this conversation with her:

Nurse: Is he eating well?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: How many ounces does he take at a feeding?
Me: Well...he's breastfed, but I think 3-4, based on how much pumped milk he'll take from a bottle.
Nurse: *Stares* But what about formula?
Me: Uh, he doesn't get any formula.
Nurse: None? Are you sure he's eating enough?

It was at this point that I realized this would not be a happy visit. (Sidenote: Yes, he's getting enough. He's gaining weight. He's outgrowing his clothes. He has plenty of wet and dirty diapers. He's content after feedings. He's FINE.)

After the oh-so-wonderful nurse left, I expected the doctor to come in. Instead, a medical student comes in. Now, this has happened in the past because apparently, our pediatrician's office is part of some training program so 4th year med students tag along and help with the examinations. I've never minded in the past because I figured that hey, they need to learn somehow and I'm happy to help. But today, Luke was already crabby because it was naptime and I had FINALLY gotten him asleep when this woman decided to go poking around at his belly and his feet. This, of course, woke him right up and thus started ScreamFest 2009.

He screamed while she poked his soft spot. He screamed while she tested his reflexes. He screamed while she told me that "cloth diapers can cause diaper rashes," and lectured me about his vaccinations schedule. (Of course, she began this lecture by saying, "It's completely your decision, but...") He screamed when she picked him up very awkwardly in an attempt to comfort him. He screamed when she KISSED HIS HEAD. (Hey, stranger whom I've never met before in my life: Why are you picking up my child and kissing his head???) He screamed when she looked at his eyes and his ears and his nose. FINALLY, she decided she'd done enough and left the room.

10 full minutes of screaming later, I managed to get the kid calmed down again when who should walk in but the doctor. Who wanted to repeat all the exams that the med student had JUST DONE. Which of course, led to ScreamFest 2009, Part II. Which led, in turn, to the following:

Doctor: Oh, is it time to eat?
Me: No, he's tired.
Dr: Are you sure? Has he eaten yet this morning?
(Sidenote: it was 10:30 in the morning. Did he really think I hadn't fed my child yet?)
Me: Yes. Twice. At 6 and again right before we left home. He's TIRED.
Dr: Hm. At 2 months, babies start developing sleep problems, so we'll get you a brochure. The important thing is that you always put him in his crib awake so he can put himself to sleep.
(Sidenote 2: Important to WHOM? Because I don't remember complaining about Luke's sleep habits)

When I mentioned that in fact, he sleeps 6-7 hours at a stretch, he actually had the gall to say "Well, but he's in your bed, so it's not real sleep." Oh, really? So his eyes aren't really closed? He isn't really snoring? How interesting...he seems remarkably cheerful and well-rested for someone who has apparently never gotten any "real" sleep.

And then! Just to really finish the appointment in grand fashion, he proceeded to retract the child's foreskin, which is a big, fat no-no, and when I looked at him in horror, he told me that repeated retractions help "stretch it out." Um, actually, according to the American Academy of PEDIATRICS, forced retractions are unnecessary and cause pain, bleeding and infections. So. Basically, the guy has no knowledge of what is recommended by HIS OWN PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATION.

Then came the oral vaccination (which Luke did not appreciate) and the shot (which Luke really, REALLY did not appreciate). So all said and done, we messed up our daily routine, drove a total of 50 minutes through rush hour and construction, went to a place filled with sick children, and waited for ridiculous amounts of time, just to get lectures FROM A MED STUDENT about medical decisions we've already made with the full support of our pediatrician, idiotic parenting advice that I didn't ask for, and a potentially harmful examination. Next time, I wish they'd just weigh the kid, give him his shots, and send us on our way.