Confession

I am convinced that the Universe gave me the exact child that I got for the express purpose of opening my mind. I will admit that before him, I had ideas about the "right" ways to do things--I would have a completely unmedicated childbirth, I would breastfeed the baby, he would sleep in a crib from day one. And while I did have the unmedicated childbirth (thanks in large part to McMoose and a very helpful nurse), there was still a point when I was literally BEGGING for that epidural. And that was in spite of the 12 weeks of natural childbirth classes, where we learned a million techniques for pain management; it was in spite of the dozens of books and articles I read to help prepare myself; it was in spite of all the mental preparation I had done in the weeks preceding the birth. With all of that, when I was actually in the moment, my only coherent thought was "THIS HURTS!" Ultimately, I didn't turn down the epidural because it was in my birth plan or because I thought it would be best for me or Luke or because I had any kind of inner strength--I did it only because my fear of the catheter outweighed any desire to end the pain.

And then, came the whole feeding thing. I never before understood people who said "I tried breastfeeding, but had to quit after 1 (or 2 or 3) weeks." Whenever I heard that, I always thought, "Well, that person just didn't try hard enough." Then, when Luke was 4 days old, I was sitting there in tears at 3 in the morning, wishing that I hadn't asked McMoose to hide all the formula samples that had come in the mail because there is something uniquely grotesque about feeding your newborn child and then finding your blood on his face. And in spite of the multiple visits with the multiple lactation consultants, in spite of the special shield that keeps him from chewing on me, in spite of all the literature that extols the virtues of breastmilk, the formula aisle at CVS is still tempting. I now understand that when people say they tried, but had to quit, it might mean that they dreaded the moment when their child would wake up because he would be hungry; it might mean that they couldn't hold their baby except when he was asleep because it hurt too much when he moved. It might mean that even though they put up with the pain and woke their baby up every 2 hours to feed him, he still wasn't gaining weight quickly enough, so they didn't even get the reinforcement that they were doing what was best for their child. I'm still sticking with it, but I can fully understand how the opposite choice is just as valid.

So at this point, all my ideas about the way I "should" be doing things have been blown out of the water and for the first time, I can fully understand choices other than my own. So for that, I guess I'm thankful. But Universe, next time you want to make a point, if you could do it in a slightly less painful way, it would be much appreciated.