Looking Back to See Forward

My co-workers/co-students and I had lunch today with a potential new student today. The food was yummy. The conversation was...awkward. Not because it was difficult to talk to the new student, but because it was difficult to know how much to divulge. Should we have told her about the unsupportive environment in this program? The lack of guidance? The fact that the "freedom to focus your research on your own, unique interests" actually translates into "you're on your own--sink or swim?"

I remember my own campus visit, almost exactly three years ago, when I met with my future professors and fellow students. I remember that I was nervous and naive and excited to be entering graduate school. All the students I talked to on that visit were still fairly new and fresh and enthusiastic about the program and their research. Three years later, many of those same students are still here, still doing the same work with the same professors, and now they're far less enthusiastic.

The conversation at lunch began with safe topics--where we were from, what our research interests were, how we liked the city. And then, it began to drift into more dangerous territory--how long it typically takes to graduate from the program, what we thought about the funding opportunities available to students, how much support we received when trying to publish or present our work. And then, the biggie: if we had to go back and choose, would we still choose to enter this program? It was telling that of the four seasoned students at lunch, not one of us was able to answer "yes" to this last question.

I hope that we didn't scare the potential student too much because in the end, as much as I complain about this program, I have to admit that it has shaped me--my attitudes, my beliefs, the way I look at the world. I'm more confident in myself, but also more trusting of the people who form my support networks. I can more clearly see what I want, but am equally able to voice when I don't want something. I am more developed in my own beliefs about the world, but I accept that other people don't have to buy into those same beliefs. I might be less naive, but I'm also more able to find the silver lining. I plan for the future, while acknowledging that the most important parts of my life right now are things that, when I first began this program, were not even in my plans.

So given the chance, would I do it again?