No Good Mother

On Tuesday morning, we were out at a playground. It was a beautiful fall morning and Luke and I were enjoying the outdoors while Weston napped happily in the sling. All in all, the perfect morning. Enter Random Woman.

Woman: Hey!
Me: *Turn to see who's yelling*
Woman: You no good mother! Baby needs hat. Come on, lady!

Ok, seriously? I know lots of people like to offer unsolicited advice to moms who are out with babies...hoo boy, do I know it. But is it really necessary to heckle them too? Of course, I glared at her and she walked off huffily and that was the end of that interaction, at least for her, but it continued to bother me for a few reasons:

1. In any other situation, offering unsolicited advice is taboo, but because I have a baby, it's acceptable? Heck, no.
2. I might have been a mom who feels that hats are overrated, in which case, randomly yelling across the playground at me is probably not going to change my mind.
3. Alternately, I might be a mom who feels that hats are VITALLY IMPORTANT and who is already beating myself up because I forgot my baby's vitally important hat. In which case, you've just made my bad day even worse. Thanks.

In reality, I feel that hats are somewhat useful when it's cold (which it wasn't) or really sunny (which it was, but we spent most of our time in the shade, so it wasn't a big deal.) Furthermore, vitamin D is important, especially since Weston is breastfed and not currently getting a vitamin supplement. So. Modest amounts of sunlight are good for the kid. He has a head full of hair and his skin tone is such that a few minutes in the weak, morning sun on a fall morning aren't going to cause him to get a sunburn. And more to the point, because I am his mother, because I spend EVERY DAY with him, because I know all of this about him, I weighed the pros and cons of a hat and decided that it was unnecessary. And yet, Random Woman felt that not only did she know better than me what was best for my child, but that because my choices differed from hers, it instantly made me a bad mom.

Of course, if all I have to do to earn a "Good Mother" sticker is put a hat on my kids, I'm set. I mean, according to that logic, I can feed them a steady diet of fast food, park them in front of the TV all day and night, and beat them senseless, but hey, none of that will matter so long as I remember a hat, right?

Conversations Not To Be Had In The Produce Aisle

Since I've started showing, I've gotten some odd comments while out with the boys. Mostly along the lines of, "Wow, you've got your hands full!" and, "Don't you know what CAUSES that?" followed by some laughter (on the commenter's part) because ha-ha-ha, they're just the funniest people on the planet. Mostly, I brush these comments off because clearly, those making the comments must have entirely too much free time, as well as a rather boring life if they need to insert their noses into the lives of complete strangers.

Yesterday morning, we were rushing through the produce section of the grocery store, picking up bananas on our way to a meeting that we were already running late for because bananas are the essential component to surviving outings with toddlers. And as I was trying to find a cluster of two bananas instead of eight, a woman approached me.

Woman: Oh, wow, you've got your hands full!
Me: *Non-committal noise*
Woman: You know, if you're one of those people who doesn't believe in birth control, you should just breastfeed your baby. My daughter says that it helps space them out naturally!
Me: *Jaw drops because WHOA, this conversation just went from Personal to Is-This-Really-Happening Nutty.* Uh...actually...*Point to Luke* This one weaned about a month ago. *Point to Other Baby* And this one is still nursing. Oh, and we're on our way to a La Leche League meeting. Thanks, but I think I have the breastfeeding thing covered.

And then, I walked away feeling like for once, I had known what to say in one of these situations, instead of staring like a mute fool. And then, THEN, I realized that I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT OTHER BABY WASN'T MINE. So instead of saying that I nursed my first child halfway through my second pregnancy, what I actually implied is that I nursed my first child fully through my second pregnancy AND tandem nursed my first two children halfway through a third pregnancy AND am continuing to nurse my second child through the third pregnancy.

Holy Cow, that woman thinks I'm CRAZY. (Then again, I think she's pretty crazy too, so I guess we're even?)

Soooo Biiiiiig!

I know that much of the country is buried under snow, but here in Raleigh, we have a high of nearly 70 today. But since it rained last night, everything was wet and puddley and instead of going to the playground and trying to wrestle two toddlers out of the wet sand box, I decided we'd go play with the trains at the bookstore instead.

So I drive to the bookstore, spot a car doing something that looked like it was pulling out of a parking spot, and start driving towards said spot. Now, the whole time I drove up the aisle (and it wasn't a particularly short aisle), the other car just sat there in the wrong side of the aisle, so (a) it STILL looked like the person had just pulled out and was waiting for me to get out of the aisle so he/she could go on and (b) she was BLOCKING MY PATH by sitting in my side of the aisle. No problem, I just pulled into the spot that I thought she had vacated. Got out of the car. Unbuckled Other Baby and pulled him out of the car seat. And then noticed that this car was now sitting INCHES from my back bumper, parked across the entire aisle so no one else could get by from either direction. My curiosity piqued, I watched with great interest as a short, but highly energetic woman hopped out.

Woman: I had my blinker on!
Me: Excuse me?
Woman: I had my blinker on and you pulled into my spot!
Me: Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't see you...(by which I meant that I didn't see her BLINKER, because obviously, I saw THE CAR and had assumed she was vacating the spot.)
Woman: I am big!
Me: Huh?
Woman: I am big for you not to see me!
Me: Oh...kay...
Woman: That was rude. A very rude thing you did! I had my blinker and I AM BIG.
Me: Um. Would you like me to pull out so you can have this spot?
Woman: I think you're too rude!
Me: Ma'am, I'm sorry, but seriously, I didn't know you were waiting for the spot. I thought you were leaving it, and if you want, I can leave the spot so you can have it.
Woman, advancing towards me: No! You are rude!
Me, quickly stuffing Other Baby back in the car and shutting & locking the door because dude, there was a crazy lady getting all up in my personal bubble: Again, I'm sorry, like I said...
Woman: I AM BIIIIIIG! I AM VERY BIIIIIG FOR YOU TO NOT SEE ME!!!!

I should probably mention at this point that one of my pet peeves is being told what I saw or heard or felt. McMoose and I have often had arguments ending with me saying "I KNOW what I said, don't TELL me what I said, it was MY MOUTH that said it, so I KNOW what I said." So I was THISCLOSE to saying something about how I KNEW what I saw and she had no business TELLING ME what I saw because they were MY EYES that saw it, when I realized that engaging crazy with more crazy was probably not the way to go. And after I stood quietly and stared at her for a minute, she got back into her car and went to one of the THREE open spots that were next to me.

I gotta say, something has been missing from my world lately and after this morning, I realized that the thing that was missing was this kind of insane interaction with perfect strangers. When you look like you've got your hands full with two kids who are constantly running in opposite directions, people tend not to engage you in crazy as much anymore. It's good to be back.

Ni-Hao, Kailan

A couple of weeks ago, I needed to make a quick trip to the mall (quick...ha!) and of course, OF COURSE we went through the entrance with the kiddie play area. Note to self: remember where that entrance is so you can avoid it for the next 18 years. After a little side trek to Sears, where they did not have what I needed, we went back to the play area. And when I say "play area," I mean "money trap" because almost all the attractions require a minimum of three quarters. (Luckily, Luke had not yet realized that the trucks and buses moved, so I was able to get away with just letting him sit in them, minus the quarters.)

So there we were, in the middle of this toddler wonderland, when I noticed a distinct lack of...toddlers. And I knew I heard their voices somewhere, so I decided to poke around a little bit. Guess where I found the toddlers. IN FRONT OF THE TV. I mean, there was a slide and a tunnel and a climbing structure and a ride-on bus and car and boat. For goodness sake, there was a CAROUSEL. And the three kids who were there were clustered around, learning how to speak Mandarin from Kailan.

Of course, this just meant the play stuff was all free for us to use, so hey, I'm not complaining!

The Incredible Edible Egg

When I was a sophomore in college, my roommate's parents rented us a beach house on the Carolina coast for a few days during Spring Break and a group of friends and I hung out, played Taboo, and had a lot of margaritas. I car pooled with a friend on the drive down there and during the drive, a car cut my friend off and she made some, um, choice gestures at the driver of said car. And then belatedly realized that there were two little kids in the backseat of the car. We, of course, felt very bad about the whole thing, but figured it was over and done with.

About 20 miles down the road, though, we encountered the same car again and this time, all five passengers were holding up eggs and making menacing faces at us. Our best guess is that they were threatening to egg our car while driving down the highway at 70+ miles per hour. And then, a while later, we encountered them again when they got in the lane ahead of us, opened their windows and dumped liquid (water? soda? pee?) out of McDonald's cups so that it flew back and hit our car. Being 19, we thought the whole thing was hilarious and it only got funnier when, about 30 minutes later, we saw the same car chilling on the side of the road after having been pulled over by a cop (muahaha, take THAT, fools.)

I hadn't thought about this incident in years, but it all came screaming back to me today as Luke and I were driving home from the park because the car in front of me ACTUALLY EGGED THE CAR BESIDE THEM. While we were driving down the road. At about 50 miles per hour.

WHO. DOES. THAT?

Sweet, Little Lies

I took Luke and Other Baby to the playground today because there was a Very Gross Incident involving Other Baby and cat vomit and we just needed to get out of the apartment and get a new lease on the day. It's been raining here recently, so the sandbox was pretty pool-like and all the sensible moms must have kept their kids home today because it was just us and one other mom with her two kids. Her younger child was about Luke's age and they were completely fascinated with each other, so the mom and I started talking while Luke and her daughter "played" together (ie- the little girl would pat Luke on the face, he'd giggle and run away, then he'd pat her on the face and she'd run away, etc.)

Other Mom: How old is he? (Referring to Luke)
Me: He just turned 1 a couple of weeks ago. How old is your daughter?
OM: She just turned 1, too. She just started walking.
Me: Yeah, he did too.
OM: Is he walking yet? (Referring to Other Baby, who was in the sling because it was too wet for him to be crawling around.)
Me: Oh, no, not yet.
OM: Are they twins?
Me: No, this one is my friend's baby.
OM: Are you sure?
[Um...seriously? Am I sure that there was only one baby in my uterus? Am I sure I didn't *accidentally* give birth to two instead of one? Am I sure that I only have one baby living in my house? YES, I'M SURE!]
Me: Uh...yeeeaaahhhh...
OM: Because they look like twins.
[No. No, they don't. Except for the fact that they are both male children with brown-ish hair and blue eyes, they do not, in fact, look anything like each other.]
Me: Huh.
OM: So...they're not twins?
Me: No.
OM: Really?
Me: Okay, yeah. They're twins.
OM: They are? (With a delighted look on her face)
Me: Sure.

I'm not proud of lying. But it just made her so damn HAPPY to think that they were and who am I to deny her that (very weird) joy? And also, do these conversations happen to other people? Ever? Or am I just a magnet for Weird?

Lost. Found.

Things I have lost today:

1. My keys. They were later found on top of a plate of pancakes in the fridge.
2. The baby. He was later found under an end table behind the couch, tormenting a cat (as usual).
3. The bag of sugar. It was later found in the fridge as well.
4. My shoes. They were later found OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT (????)
5. The baby again. He was later found pulling down clothes in his closet.
6. The Dog. He was later found aiding and abetting the baby in the closet.
7. My cell phone. It was later found in the sink (????)
8. My keys again. They were later found in the dog cage.
9. The baby AGAIN. He was later found licking the bookshelves in his room.
10. Um...my mind?

P.S. Reading back from that list, it kind of looks like I'm a neglectful mother, considering the fact that I lost the baby three times. If it helps you imagine the scenario(s) any better, the first time, I was putting cheerios on his tray and took my eyes off him for all of 10 seconds, the second time, I went into the kitchen to warm up a pancake for lunch (and took my eyes off him for maybe 15 seconds), and the third time, I was looking for my keys. That time, I'll admit it was a little bit longer...maybe 45 seconds? The kid has an insane ability to know EXACTLY when I'm distracted and chooses that moment to very quietly sneak off and do something weird. (This, by the way, is the only time he is quiet. Ever.)

Leaving Me Speechless

Ever since we got home from the holidays, Luke has been putting himself to sleep in his crib. Which is wonderful, except that ever since we got home from the holidays, Luke has also been pulling up. On every blessed thing. And the putting-self-to-sleep thing only works if he's, you know, lying down. So a couple of weeks ago, we did a little experiment to see exactly what would happen, now that he's fully capable of falling asleep by himself, if we left the room.

I expected tears. I expected anger. I expected pouting. None of which actually ensued. Instead, he stood up and shrieked quite happily for an over. an. hour. Loud, ear-piercing shrieks of joy. At which point McMoose made the decree that We Will Not Let The Baby Shriek For Long Periods Of Time. Now, McMoose doesn't make too many decrees--I think so far, the only ones he's come up with are: (1) We Will Not Feed The Baby Large, Chokable Pieces Of Food; (2) We Will Not Let The Baby Play With Dangerous Objects; and (3) the aforementioned edict against shrieking.

What all this means, of course, is that someone has to sit beside the crib for about 20 minutes every time Luke goes to bed and tell him to put his head back down every time he picks it up. And since McMoose is gone during the day, the task fell to me. And I have to admit that as far as tasks go, this is a pretty easy one. I sit in a chair, read my book, and occasionally pat or rub the child's back for a few seconds. Not a bad deal, right?

Of course, as a result of all this, I realized yesterday that I'm going to need more books to read, so off we headed to the library. I should mention here that I love, love, LOVE the library and that I'm always a much friendlier person while I'm there. So there I was in my friendly-library-mode when a woman approached me in the parking lot. She started off asking if Luke was mine, so of course, I expected it to be another "Really? He's yours? Are you sure?" kind of conversations. Imagine my surprise when it went wildly, freakishly off track:

Lady [to Luke]: Hi, Buddy! [To me]: Aww...is he yours?
Me: Yes.
Lady: How old is he?
Me: 8 months.
Lady: That's great.
Me: *Smile* Yeah. (Aside: what exactly was I saying "yeah" to here? The fact that he's 8 months old? Or that being 8 months is great? Conversations are so weird sometimes.)
Lady: So what did you think of pregnancy?
Me, starting to realize this wasn't going to be a run of the mill conversation: Well, it was fine. I loved the second trimester, when he finally started kicking and moving a lot.
Lady: Oh, I bet! And how was your labor?
Me, getting a little bit weirded out: Um...it was...fine...
Lady: Did you have a vaginal delivery?
Me: Ye...yes...
Lady: That's great! Did you have to get an epidural right away?
Me, looking around for the cameras because this kind of thing has to be for some kind of weird reality show, right?: Um...I...didn't...actually...need...one...
Lady: Oh, wow! Hey, listen, I was wondering...have you ever considered being a surrogate?
Me: Ok, I have to go...

Carded...for Orajel???

Dear Cashier at the Pharmacy,

Thank you for your dedication to your job. I appreciate that you're probably not paid too well and if I had to stand behind a counter for 8-12 hours each day, I'd be grouchy too. However, I would not give someone grief for trying to buy baby orajel. And? When you tell them that they have to be 21 to buy baby orajel and that person says "Um...I'm almost 25," I would not glare at them for 30 seconds before scanning the darn box.

(Could I take this moment to point out that baby orajel does not have alcohol in it?)

(Could I also point out that even if it DID have alcohol in it, minors are allowed to buy mouthwash, not to mention rubbing alcohol, both of which DO have alcohol in them?)

Meeting Crashers

Sometimes, drama just seems to walk around until it finds me...

Luke and I went to our La Leche group this afternoon and we were having a lovely time, talking to the other moms, watching the other babies, snacking on some chips, when this new woman walks in with her baby. Now, considering that this was a breastfeeding group, it was natural to assume that this mom was nursing her baby, yes? Well...apparently not...

Lactation consultant: Welcome to the group!
New mom: Oh, thanks!
LC: Would you like to introduce yourself?
NM: Sure! I'm Jenny and this is Gabby; she's seven months old.
LC: Great! We've been talking about some of the issues people have been having this week...is there anything you'd like to bring to the table?
NM: Mm....well, it's really hard to get her to finish her bottles because all she wants to do is crawl around.
LC: Her bottles...at daycare?
NM: No, at home.
LC: Oh, are you pumping?
NM: Uh...no...
LC: Oh, are you supplementing with formula?
NM: I'm not supplementing with formula, I'm FEEDING formula.
LC: Oh...ah...this is actually a breastfeeding group...
NM: Ugh! I would never do that! I mean, I understand that people have choices, but I hate seeing women doing *that.*

At this point, there were at least three women in that room (myself included) who were doing *that* and nursing their babies. And this ridiculous woman gave each of us a mean and nasty look, after having crashed OUR meeting. So...did we get embarrassed? Did we grab blankets and throw them over our babies' heads? Or...did we do just the opposite and allow just a little bit extra skin to show?

(If you know me AT ALL, you won't need me to answer those questions for you)

Germy Encounters

I took Luke in to get a couple of shots today and while we were in the waiting room, I noticed a woman who was clutching her toddler like her life depended on it. The toddler, for his part, was doing his best to wiggle out of her lap. After a few minutes, she moved over next to me and pointed out to her child the fact that Luke was sitting so nicely on my lap. The child was not impressed & continued his quest to go play with the waiting room toys. Naturally, I was very curious about this little interaction, so I eavesdropped (although I'm not sure it can be called eavesdropping since she was sitting all of 18 inches away from me).

Woman: Stay still, Baby. Look, see the little baby? He's staying still.
Toddler: Toys.
Woman: No, no. Look, can you sit with Mama?
Toddler: Toys!
Woman: No, those are dirty. They have germs.
Toddler: Toyyys!
Woman: The toys are dirty, sweetie. They could make you sick.
Toddler: Tooooyyyyyyssss!
Woman: You don't want to be sick, do you? Remember when you had a cold? You couldn't breathe and that wasn't any fun, was it?
Toddler: Toooyyyyssss, Toooyyyysss, Tooooyyyysss!!!

This went on for a while, with the woman's explanations about germs and illness becoming increasingly detailed (at one point, she actually used the term "Mucus membrane") and the toddler's exclamations becoming increasingly...um...insistent. Luke and I soon got called to the exam room, but when we were done, I decided to stop at the restroom before heading home. And because the Universe knows just how much I love a healthy dose of irony, guess who I found swishing his hands around in the toilet water...

The Evils of Juice?

Luke has had a really good nursing day today (thank you, bad-tasting-herbs!), which means that I've had hours and hours of computer time, so I thought it would be fun to just start on CNN's front page and follow links that sounded interesting. As a result of this little game, I now have more knowledge than I ever though possible about animal cruelty, the eating habits of koala bears, and choosing the right houseplant for your family. And also? Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics has a Committee that met to discuss the "Use and Misuse of Fruit Juice in Pediatrics?" And also, there were 18 people on the committee, plus "liaisons" from various health-related organizations both in the U.S. and from Canada, as well as "Additional staff." And they came up with 9 conclusions and 9 recommendations. About fruit juice. And one of the conclusions was that "fruit drinks" are not the same as "fruit juice."

And reading all that has now made me really thirsty for some apple juice.

Adventures In Weirdness

Every couple of weeks or so, I like to go through my sitemeter reports to see who has been coming to the blog and for the most part, I recognize people's locations or Internet providers or reference pages, if they clicked into my blog through another site. But sometimes, there are some strange google searches that bring people to my virtual doorstep; things like "gutter flip" (here), and "unicycle + ice" (here), and "Frog police" (here).

So. I'm used to seeing this kind of thing and it no longer surprises me. You know what does surprise me? When I run across a reference page called "Asian Girls on the Internet." That one kinda threw me for a loop. So of course, I had to go see exactly why my blog was listed on that website.

About 99% of this website links to different women's photobucket and flickr accounts. I'm guessing by the title of the site that these women are Asian? I didn't really have the patience or the desire to click any of the links. But finally, after careful searching, I came upon my blog listing! Now, I already knew that there are exactly 3 pictures of me on this blog and all three of them were posted with the express intent of showing off the pregnant belly, so I wasn't sure why a fetish website would link to one of those pictures. But when I clicked on the link, I certainly wasn't expecting to find this.

How did these clowns even know I was Asian from that picture?????? (And also, I no longer mind my link being on that website. Ain't nothin' sexy about a pregnant girl with messy hair, a huge sweater, and a YELLOW SMILEY covering her face. I mean, unless you happen to be the WalMart Rollback man or something...)

When Dreaming Ends

I had almost constant dreams--er, nightmares--early in my pregnancy. Then, at week 18, I had an ultrasound and from then on out, not only did the nightmares end, but I actually did not have any dreams that I could remember. This continued until about 2 weeks ago, and since then, I've been making up for lost time with some very odd dreams:

-McMoose turned into a merman and decided to live in the Atlantic and drive submarines.
-The Dog started hypnotizing everyone to do his evil bidding.
-The baby developed magical abilities that allowed him to disappear into thin air, but then he couldn't reappear, so I had an invisible baby and everyone thought I was nuts.
-Teeth were discovered to be the new fossil fuel and everyone gave up their teeth except me, so I was then being hunted for my teeth.

I've always had strange dreams, but this is just ridiculous!

Too Many Blue Matrixes

Usually, I park in the same general area of the parking lot at school, which is on the third floor. I do this because (a) by the time I get there, all the lower spots are already taken and (b) if I park in different places each day, I forget where I am and then, I have to wander aimlessly around in the hopes that I'll spot my car somewhere.

When I left work this afternoon, I walked up to the third floor of the parking deck, as usual, and spotted my car in one of its customary spots. As I got closer, I noticed that I had left the doors unlocked, so I grumbled at myself about how forgetful I'm getting, and then got in. Immediately, I noticed that there was something slightly different about the smell in the car, but my car frequently changes the way it smells with no real explanation. So I put the keys in and turned the ignition...nothing. Again, a phenomenon that I'm somewhat familiar with because sometimes, the car just doesn't feel like starting. So I tried it again. Nothing. And again. Still nothing.

And then, just as I was about to take my frustration out on the steering wheel, I noticed that the odd smell in the car wasn't just any old odd smell, but the very distinctly odd smell of cigar smoke. Since no one has ever actually smoked a cigar in my car, I began to get suspicious. And that's when I noticed that there was no stuffed moose hanging down from my rear view mirror. My sweater was not sitting in the passenger seat, where I had left it. And this car was much, much neater than mine will EVER be. After sitting there, feeling like I was in an alternate universe for a full minute, it finally hit me that hey! I had parked on the SECOND floor this morning because I wanted to avoid the extra flight of stairs.

On the plus side, at least this means that I did, in fact, remember to lock my car this morning.

When Dreaming Ends

Just before I woke up this morning, I had a dream that it was 5 AM and I couldn't sleep, so instead, I got up, walked and fed The Dog, and then worked on some of the final edits for my thesis, before going back to bed. So when I actually woke up, I was thoroughly confused because I didn't know whether the dream had really been a dream, or whether I had truly woken up at 5:30 and done all of those things. After thinking about it for a while, I realized that it would have been completely uncharacteristic of me to walk The Dog that early in the morning. Plus, The Dog was acting like a complete fool and he usually only does that when (a) he hasn't been fed yet and (b) he hasn't been walked yet.

Feeling confident that the dream had, in fact, been just a dream, I proceeded to feed The Dog and since McMoose was working from home today, asked him to take The Dog out. And then, I meandered here and there, did some crosswords, answered some emails, and generally puttered around with the idea of doing some work. Finally, after lunch, I decided that it was time to get serious, so I opened up my thesis document...only to find that the edits I had planned on making today had already been made.

So. Did I actually wake up at 5 and do all the things I thought I had dreamt about (in which case, The Dog made out like a bandit today)? Or did I make the edits yesterday and forget? Or did I just edit the thesis and then dream about doing the rest? I'm so confused!

Snippets

Ok, bullet post time. I've been saving up snippets of oddness all week in preparation for today.

• On Monday, I got a phone call from a call center in Utah informing me that the warranty on my car was about to end. A couple of hours later, a call center in Montana informed me of the same thing. And about 30 minutes after that, someone called from Alabama to remind me again. Who knew Toyota was (a) so conscientious and (b) had so many damn call centers!
• On Tuesday, I was walking through the parking lot to my car, when I saw a man wearing a fluorescent yellow vest that was emblazoned with the words "Parking Services." Not so weird, right? Right. Until you consider the fact that he was RIDING A HORSE. The only explanation I can think of is that maybe the University has decided that horses are somehow more cost-efficient than the standard issue white pickup trucks that they used to drive.
• On Wednesday, I found a spider living in my desk drawer. Generally speaking, I am not a fan of spiders and would prefer that they leave me alone. The one in my drawer, however, was oddly endearing, so I have decided to let him stay. After all, it might be fun to have a pet at work. Today, my "pet" was quietly eating another insect when I got to work, which has made me like him even more. Although really, I don't understand why there are so many insects in my office to begin with...

Sparkly Clean...Concrete

My first year at this University, there was a parking lot across the street from my current office building and although it was off limits to students during the day, it so happened that most of my classes that first year were at night, so I got to park in that lot. Then, after that first semester, they closed off the lot with the intention of building a new math and statistics building instead. After 2 years of dust and noise and dust and dump trucks--and, oh, did I mention the dust?--the building is finally complete. Actually, I'm very impressed that it only took 2 years because usually, doesn't it take longer than that just to fix a pothole in the road? And they managed to build an entire building?

Anyway, they opened what's left of the parking lot last week. Of course, now that I'm only here during the daytime hours, I don't get to park there anymore, but it does make the walk to my lot a little bit faster. So this morning, I was walking through the lot and noticed that there were three fire engines sitting there. Immediately, I assumed there must have been some kind of catastrophe, so I squinted my eyes and craned my neck to try to get a glimpse of what was happening. And as it turns out, what was happening was that they were washing the parking lot. Using fire trucks with their hoses connected to hydrants. In a city where there is a drought every. single. summer and so far this year, our rainfall levels are already below average.

So...either washing parking lots is now considered part of the fire department's jurisdiction or the University has invested in fire trucks of its own. Either way, I stand by my previous belief that this city is CRAZY.

Barbecues, Diets, and Flies

• There were four grown men barbecuing in the parking lot as I was walking to my building this morning. I emphasize the "grown men" part of that sentence because if it had been four college students, I wouldn't really have thought twice about it because...college kids...barbecuing in a parking lot at 10:30 in the morning...on a Thursday...yeah, sounds about right. But balding, paunchy, grown men usually have more sense, not to mention more productive ways of spending their time than trying to light up a grill while arguing over how best to keep their beers cold. Not THESE grown men, clearly.
• On Monday, I went to the doctor, where I was informed that I was gaining too much weight and that I should go on the South Beach Diet, which my midwife translated as "eating small, protein-filled meals every 2 hours." On Tuesday and Wednesday, I tried to follow this ridiculous advice by eating "meals" that consisted of a slice of cheese or a handful of peanuts. Today, I came to my senses and decided that as much fun as it is to live in a state of CONSTANT HUNGER, I'll be a much more pleasant person over the next 8 weeks if I eat like a normal human being, instead of a scavenging hyena.
• I sent a document to be printed about 10 minutes ago, and instead of sending out a sheet of paper, the printer sent out a fly. A living, flying fly. Which is now buzzing around the office. I still haven't gotten the document I printed, by the way.

Sarcasm: Locked and Loaded

McMoose's mom told me once that when he was young, he didn't realize that you could have internal thoughts, so he voiced every thought that came into his head. At the time, we laughed because (a) it was a cute story and (b) McMoose is the complete opposite now and often, it takes a full five minutes of interrogation to get to a desired answer. For example:

Me: Did you check the mail?

McMoose: Yes.

Me:...and...did we have any mail?

McMoose: Yes.

Me:...and...was any of this mail for me?

McMoose: Yes.

Me:...and...are you planning to tell me where you put it?

McMoose: Yes.

Me:..................Well?

McMoose: Well, what?

As you can see, at the end of this oh-so-frustrating conversation, I STILL did not know where my mail was.

But yesterday, I thought back to this conversation because I was standing in the middle of Lowe's, looking at curtains that might be suitable for a nursery, and a strange man approached me and asked if I was pregnant. My reply? "Nope. I just have a stomach tumor."

WHO? SAYS? THAT? I mean, yes, it was annoying to be asked such a ridiculous question because anyone with eyes can see that I'm pregnant. But still. Completely unnecessary. And it occurred to me that maybe the lack of an internal filter was genetic and McMoose passed it on to The Bug, who is now infecting me with it and making me say ridiculous things to complete strangers.